Please help me to be happy, and enjoy the things you have given me. Please help me not to wish for the things I do not have.

Help me remember, help me forget.

I am miserable right now. I have no one to blame but myself, and my own stupid choices. I didn't realize how stupid they were at the time I made them, never saw the importance of certain things, but right now I hate that I made the choices I made. Please God take the mess of my life and make something decent from it. Can you make beauty from this screwed up life? I'm too far gone now to start life over. Please God can you make me happy? Content? Loved? Please.... I need you desperately Lord, right now. Please change me, make me like you. Help me make the right choices today and tomorrow? And Lord? please help me remember, and help me forget yesterday.

Friends...

I miss you tonight. I was thinking about the first time I really looked at your Face Book profile.. sometime after you had invited me. I remember the pictures of you fighting with your brother, with charlie on the river, you lying in your fatigues somewhere in the desert. w/ your cool sunglasses on.... I remember the way we were just friends.. there. About a year before we met I remember when you told me you couldn't be with a girl, and i asked you "Why?" You said that you had issues, that no girl would ever want to deal with, and you wouldn't tell me why. After that "texting" conversation we didn't talk for quite a while. I remember I had texted you a couple times just saying HI! when I was bored.. and some other guy answering saying.. this isn't him. Then one day getting on fb at Stephen's and you popping up on the chat, and I yelled at you cuz of that, and asked you for your new number. You were so funny and sweet. I never thought twice about any of these times, never thought that we'd ever meet, or that you might want to date me sometime, or that we'd be where we are now. I miss that comeraderie that we had, not really knowing anything of the other, but somehow... friends. If I had known I would be here.. then. I would have been stubborn, and refused to meet you. Just to have kept that "friendship" longer, just cuz it was so fun. It has always been on the edge of my mind, but tonight it really clicked. If you wanted to talk to me. You would be like you used to be, and call or text me out of the blue. If you wanted to email me, there would be emails in my inbox.. from you. If you wanted to be here. This is where you'd be.

Challenge-Week 7... Pumping gas in costume...

So, this week I didn't lose anything.. :(. In all honesty it has been a very rough week emotionally and spiritually for me. I know its no excuse, but sadly it does affect how I do. On a lighter note These pictures are from tonight, I went to a costume party at a friends, it was alot of fun. :D. On the way home I had to stop at walmart and pump gas, so I left my two Amish friends, who were riding with me in the car and stepped out. I had a white shawl wrapped around me. As I pumped I felt VERY conspicous in this clothing. I watched my two friends watching the people around us, I knew that they were cracking up at the peoples reactions. After I paid and grabbed the reciept, I went around the car, gathered my skirts, and stepped into the car. I look up out my window at the attendant in the Station... he is grinning from ear to ear, and waves at me. My friends are laughing at me as I try not to get too embarrassed, and I smile and wave back at the attendant. The girls told me that the guy was watching me and grinning the entire time, and that another guy that had pumped did a double take as he drove past on his way out. I laughed... not too often you see a girl in period clothing pumping gas into a Jetta outside of walmart. :D.

Confubbelish

Good bye...
A dozen roses to say I love you
A dozen roses, she said good bye forever
He's back on her goodside for how long?
We don't talk any more maybe for always.
I thought I was special to him
He looks annoyed when I come near
They are around, somehow caring for me
But I feel alone, I'm scared
Will I be alone the rest of my life?

Them...
She's so fuzzy and warm, her mom's tongue is soft.
He's so chunky, tries to be tough, but he's not
She is tall, willowy, and graceful, I always wanted to be
He is handsome, and smart, like I always knew he'd be
They are a pair, together, inseperable every day.
They are both so lonely, wishful, and busy,
always finding something to do
He is irritable, and confused, wondering.
Which way to go, to day adieu, or I do.
I'm scared. Will I be alone for the rest of my life?

The question...
Its just a question, fades into the background,
then all at once jumps hard and fast on my heart
Getting sick of guys wanting only that part
of me, as if there isn't a bit more to me.
Getting sick of guys wondering why, whats wrong with her
She's not with you? you? or you?
There must be something wrong with her,
I'm scared, Will I be alone for the rest of my life?

Chloe

Today I brought little Chloe in for a small while!

She doesn't fit inside my hand any more!

So big now! She doesn't cry as much either...

She is so sweet tho, even now she remembers us!

She started to cry, and I set my hand over her back,

she stopped crying immediately,

settled right down and relaxed! Awwww...

Lonely

Today has been so hard for me, I am not sure why, or what is going on.. just that huge lonely feeling, sitting in the living room with lots of ppl who love me, yet feeling so alone. Don't wanna feel alone any more! I hate that feeling! I really feel for others.. cuz how would it be without knowing I have Jesus there? How would it be without HAVING those family and friends around that I do have? Thank Jesus for the Love that He does give me thru others!

Challenge-week 6

Blah.... Didn't do so great this week! But, I am glad it was something!!! :D

Previous weight: 183.4 lbs

Current weight: 182.6 lbs

Elf

I LOVE smiling!!! Smilings my favorite!! :-D

Love and Prayers....

So many dreams of you, nearly every day lately... Why I wonder. Where are they all coming from? Maybe you are sad or lonely today? Maybe you need a friend. Maybe thats why. I don't understand it all.... Today for the first time I was able to tell someone who asked, that I wasn't in love with you any more, and I meant it. I love you. You will always be special to me, and I hope you will always be my friend, but I'm not in love with you any more. I'm ready to be loved in return. Ready to move on, and see what comes next. Love and Prayers, Me

Dear Friend...

Today I want to let you know how much you mean to me, to thank you for all the times you have been there for me, you have listened to, prayed for, cried, hoped, dreamed, laughed and loved with me. I'm sure I will never be able to tell you enough times to truly thank you for all the times you have called right when I needed someone to talk to, or the times you have stopped your work to be there when a catastrophe was happening in my life. The times the world looked too glum and gloomy, but somehow when you finished with me, the rays of sunshine had poked thru the clouds, then burst in to a full sunshiny day. The tears dried, you pulled and prodded till gladly laughter spilled out again. The goofy messages left on my answering machine that made my day brighter. The emails, and the notes. The flowers sent to my house when I was sick, down, had a birthday, or just because. The care and love you showed when it seemed no one else had time. The times we studied, chatted, encouraged each other, laughed, hugged, and cried, up until the wee hours of the night together, neither caring what time it was, or that we had to be up at 5:00am the next morning. Thank you dear friend. I love you so much, and may the Lord help me to be half the friend to you and others, as you have been to me.

Love

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all matters the most
Love is not rude
Love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside.
Love is the river that flows thru
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes when you don't
Love is the arms that are holding you.
Love never fails you.

When my heart won't make a sound
When it can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this, greater than this..
Cuz love is right here, love is alive
Love is the way the truth the life..
Love is the river that flows thru
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to..
Love never fails you.
Brenden Heath

Challenge- week 5!!!

Ya, I skipped a week... I figure Thanksgiving week never should count.. specially since I gained 5 pounds at least between the three meals we had that I had to work off in there. lol :-P. I lost about 2 1/2 pounds this week, and thanx to being sick for a few days :-S.. that wasn't fun at all.

Previous weight: 185.8

Current weight: 183.4

Polka-dots, and Stripes

This was my brother's girlfriend, Susan and I at Stephen's house friday night. I had been sick all week from the time I got off work on Wednesday, and was so excited to be out of the house. We all bundled up and went out into the crisp night for a walk down to my grandparents house. They were leaving the next morning for florida, and we wanted to say bye. Oh, and use thier ping pong, and pool tables too of course :-D. We played games in thier basement for a couple hours, then went back to my brother's house and watched movies for awhile. Fun times.

Chloe....

Chloe's little paw, on my hand

Chloe, sleeping in my hand once she started getting bigger

Chloe, soon after she started getting her strength back, in dad's hand

Chloe has been getting so much bigger! She is such a fighter, only half the size of the other puppies, but she pushes and shoves her way to her momma to eat many times a day, she seems to be thriving now, back out with her family. A couple of weeks ago, only a day after they were born, we found her cold, and nearly gone out in the dog pen, we got her warmed up and fed her every few hours, soon she was this tiny strong white mouse creature standing on her hind legs pushing against my hand pawing at the little tiny bottle as she nursed from it. By the time we put her out with her mommy her eyes were open, a gorgeous blue, and she was so ornery. One time I was gently pulling on her little ear commenting how it looked like a tiny piece of cut leather and she started her little squealing telling me she didn't like it. She made me laugh. I'm so thankful she made it alive, we have had three other puppies in this litter die, and we aren't sure why, so... Chloe is our miracle baby...

Ya...

Hi... I'm tired, and grumpy, and I have NO idea whats going on with my work schedule.. this is scary. All I know is they said I am to come in like normal on Saturday night.. lol. I am here, but I never found out what I am supposed to work tomorrow.... HELP!

I think I had an epiphany on Thanksgiving. You don't care. I'm not brilliant I know this... but ya. You didn't even tell a friend Happy Thanksgiving back. I get it. So ya.

LIVE

From here back to the entry titled Dreams of You are some things I had written, but not posted in the month of November, cuz I wasn't sure about posting them..... so they are out of order quite a bit.


Something has been happening. I can tell something is wrong, my stomach has been in a gut wrenching knot all day. God please give me ur peace, and protect and keep those I love, keep your angels around them dear Jesus??

Forgetting those things which are behind, and looking forward.... LIVE

Just Trust

Hi... its a lonely night.. I am so happy tonight.. lol, like this saying they put up on the computer wallpaper.. :) I'm happier than a bird with a french fry!!! :D lol. I love it. I still miss you tho!! HOW!! lol.. Oh well.... seems to be the story of my life, I think I will always care for you, even letting go. Saw this really cool guy from Bristol Indiana on a dating site, and it said we have alot in common... I think I'd date him! lol. If Punk lived closer than texas, I think I would date him if he wanted to get together... He's great. But likely.. none of these will happen. God has a story for me. I am living it out. I sometimes wish I could see the future, but on the other hand... I can hardly handle what is happening right now in my life, how would I handle the future too? I suppose I will keep trying my best to trust.. Just trust like that little girl in the meadow picking flowers, without a care in her mind... Trust Jesus.

Not Right

Why do you say you know I haven't missed you? HOW can you say that when we haven't talked in a very long time? You have no idea the things I have gone thru in this time, or how many times I've cried, or been happy. Please don't come back into my life telling me that we don't know eachother any more, but for some reason you do know how I've been without even asking me. Its just not right

Do you hate me?

Do you hate me? After all that we've done and the hurtful things I've said, you have never once told me even one hurtful thing. What it is that you dislike about me so much. What thing about me was it that made you say the second time you started to care that you didnt want me? I look at you, I think by now I should know you... alittle bit. I still don't know how you feel about me. Do you like me? alittle? Do you like to be with me? Do you detest me? Do you hate that I pray for you? The only things I know for sure is that sometimes you need your space, that you said you loved me, then you said you didnt, then you said that you didnt know about us, then you said we would never be together, but you still would fu** me. I hate to surmize this, but sometimes I wonder, is that the only reason we are friends still? If its not I wish I knew how you still care. Why you still care. If you still care. What are you thinking when we are talking or chatting?? I wish this idiot would forget about our friendship? or Thanks for being my friend...?? Hun... do you hate me? What goes on in that mind and heart of yours?

Even tho I hate you

I hate you... sometimes I really hate you. But the only reason I do, is because you said you don't want me. Do I really hate you because I love you? Cause I've wanted you so bad? I just don't know anymore.... cuz sometimes I still want you, even tho I hate you. Sometimes I still love you and know I'd to anything for you, even tho I hate you.

Dating...

I never really knew you. You never really knew me. We thought we knew each other, but we knew almost nothing. We never really dated, even though we talked so much. We never had opportunity to work together. To live situations together. No, I never really knew you. You never really knew me.

Phone Call

I called you tonight, I was waiting in my car for a friend to show up, I was bored. So I called you. The rain was falling on my car roof. You answered. I was alittle nervous. We talked. You made me laugh. Nervous dissappeared. The call was short. It was really nice. Thank you.

To Trust You more....

Why don't I pray more, trust more, spend more time talking with you, instead of talking about the problems of myself and others? Please help me not to be negative about myself, and others, but Lord help me to see and love others thru your eyes, with your love alone. Please put a watch over my lips that what I say pleases, and glorify's you Jesus. IJN

Someone to talk to...

Wandering from site to site, its a quiet night, just wish for someone to talk with. Someone who is not weird, but who loves the Lord as much as I do. Someone who I know won't make nasty comments, or try to talk dirty to me. Someone who won't tell me that my ministry is to the phillipino people, that I should marry them and move to the phillipines lol... Or tell me that I am naive becuz I wanna obey God's standards in the word....Is it too much to ask Lord?

Missing You

Its at the weirdest times that I am overwhelmed by missing you. Today I was sitting on the couch, talking with my mom and a friend about a christian woman's place in the home/church. Basically talking about 1 Cor 14, when suddenly this huge MISSING feeling came apon me, I looked out the window as thier conversation swirled around me, and remembered some conversations that you and I had about the same subject. I said a prayer for you hun, today we are in two different worlds... but I will always hope the best for you :) With all the Love of Christ. Me

Its Done

Its done, its over, ur gone, its done.
Now I see, now I know, that what you told me is true,
that you don't love me, and we'll really never be
I thought you might love me again one day, but no
I don't think it will happen now, I always thought it would
kill me to realize this ,but no, I'm still breathing
one breath at a time, I'm still living,
one day at a time, It doesnt kill me now
every time I think of you, It only hurts, only a bit
We weren't real, I don't wanna go back,
when I think of what we were. I'm content where I am
I'm content as your friend, I'm content to live
Where God has put me, I hope to be
only where He wants me.

Alone

I know you do miracles every day, I know you've sustained me to this point in my life Lord. I'm just SOOO lonely Lord... I've asked you for the miracle of true love since I was old enough to know what it was, yet I am almost 28, and obviously for some reason it eludes me. I've been feeling so alone God. Even tho I spent a few hours tonight with alot of ppl, I still am lonely. Please won't you work a miracle now? I don't wanna be alone any more Lord. So tired of being alone.

Don't Fool Yourself

Who are you kidding girl? You know you don't love him... don't mess with him, don't hurt him like that.... Its better to be alone than to hurt someone who has been a good friend!! Its better to be alone than to be hurt again. Don't fool yourself, you know you won't be able to handle a relationship with a man, you never have before.... besides.... why would any man truly want you??? All they've ever wanted you for is what you werent supposed to give...

Nerves

Hands are shaking, nerves are about shot from being yelled at almost continuously this morning by little 15 year old teenage girls. Thank you Lord for helping me to keep my patience.

Attitudes

Dear Jesus, please be my strength this morning, please let me be patient with the girls. Please repair broken relationships, and help us to trust eachother again. Please lay your hand apon this morning, and help it to run smoothly, please help the girls to have good attitudes. If they have any needs, help them to bring them to you, and please help me to see them, and to deal with them appropriately, IJN

Is it all about you?

Its SOO lonely without you here, so lonely not being able to write you, text you, talk with you. Makes my nights SOO long without you to chat with while I'm doing my work! Why does things have to be this way? I really believed you were the one for me, that God had saved me for. I know I made some mistakes, but am I really not good enough for you? Tho I desire you with all my heart, at times I know we will never be together, Now, after a year almost, how could I be with you? After you telling me almost constantly I'm not good enough, you want her, you don't want me. Even if you change your mind now, I won't believe you. I know you don't want me now, after the many many times you have asked for less of me, asked me to step aside for her, so you could have what you want with her.. No.. we will never be together that way again... not after you decided you don't even wanna be as close of "friends" if we can't be "friends with benefits"... no hun, doesnt seem like ur lookin out for me at all, even as a friend. Is it all about you? and what you want? Even still tho either way.. I miss you with all my heart.

Live again

I don't want to cry any more. I want to live again, I want to remember how to live. Every day I keep expecting things to go back to how they were before you broke my heart, sometimes I think I see things are better, then I fall again, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't wanna try any more. Its been so long, isn't there like a deadline that one hits that point and stops hurting inside? Just an automatic forget button in time?

I need a break

just wondering when maybe I will be able to take a few days to NOT CARE? Don't wanna feel sad any more, don't wanna miss you any more, just wanna let go, to not remember you any more. Please God can't I have a break from my feelings?

WHY???

Dreams of You

I dreamed about you today. I don't remember what happened in the dream, maybe some continuation of what was, or I hoped would be. I don't remember any one else in the dream. I only remember your face, you being close, light, laughter, and words being spoken softly. I remember waking and feeling loved, peaceful, as I drifted back to sleep. When I woke again that feeling stayed with me, but added with it was a deep sadness, a longing that cries within me. .WHY? I still don't understand why we couldn't be. I truly never did understand. Maybe I will sleep and dream of you again.