Please help me to be happy, and enjoy the things you have given me. Please help me not to wish for the things I do not have.

Help me remember, help me forget.

I am miserable right now. I have no one to blame but myself, and my own stupid choices. I didn't realize how stupid they were at the time I made them, never saw the importance of certain things, but right now I hate that I made the choices I made. Please God take the mess of my life and make something decent from it. Can you make beauty from this screwed up life? I'm too far gone now to start life over. Please God can you make me happy? Content? Loved? Please.... I need you desperately Lord, right now. Please change me, make me like you. Help me make the right choices today and tomorrow? And Lord? please help me remember, and help me forget yesterday.

Friends...

I miss you tonight. I was thinking about the first time I really looked at your Face Book profile.. sometime after you had invited me. I remember the pictures of you fighting with your brother, with charlie on the river, you lying in your fatigues somewhere in the desert. w/ your cool sunglasses on.... I remember the way we were just friends.. there. About a year before we met I remember when you told me you couldn't be with a girl, and i asked you "Why?" You said that you had issues, that no girl would ever want to deal with, and you wouldn't tell me why. After that "texting" conversation we didn't talk for quite a while. I remember I had texted you a couple times just saying HI! when I was bored.. and some other guy answering saying.. this isn't him. Then one day getting on fb at Stephen's and you popping up on the chat, and I yelled at you cuz of that, and asked you for your new number. You were so funny and sweet. I never thought twice about any of these times, never thought that we'd ever meet, or that you might want to date me sometime, or that we'd be where we are now. I miss that comeraderie that we had, not really knowing anything of the other, but somehow... friends. If I had known I would be here.. then. I would have been stubborn, and refused to meet you. Just to have kept that "friendship" longer, just cuz it was so fun. It has always been on the edge of my mind, but tonight it really clicked. If you wanted to talk to me. You would be like you used to be, and call or text me out of the blue. If you wanted to email me, there would be emails in my inbox.. from you. If you wanted to be here. This is where you'd be.

Challenge-Week 7... Pumping gas in costume...

So, this week I didn't lose anything.. :(. In all honesty it has been a very rough week emotionally and spiritually for me. I know its no excuse, but sadly it does affect how I do. On a lighter note These pictures are from tonight, I went to a costume party at a friends, it was alot of fun. :D. On the way home I had to stop at walmart and pump gas, so I left my two Amish friends, who were riding with me in the car and stepped out. I had a white shawl wrapped around me. As I pumped I felt VERY conspicous in this clothing. I watched my two friends watching the people around us, I knew that they were cracking up at the peoples reactions. After I paid and grabbed the reciept, I went around the car, gathered my skirts, and stepped into the car. I look up out my window at the attendant in the Station... he is grinning from ear to ear, and waves at me. My friends are laughing at me as I try not to get too embarrassed, and I smile and wave back at the attendant. The girls told me that the guy was watching me and grinning the entire time, and that another guy that had pumped did a double take as he drove past on his way out. I laughed... not too often you see a girl in period clothing pumping gas into a Jetta outside of walmart. :D.

Confubbelish

Good bye...
A dozen roses to say I love you
A dozen roses, she said good bye forever
He's back on her goodside for how long?
We don't talk any more maybe for always.
I thought I was special to him
He looks annoyed when I come near
They are around, somehow caring for me
But I feel alone, I'm scared
Will I be alone the rest of my life?

Them...
She's so fuzzy and warm, her mom's tongue is soft.
He's so chunky, tries to be tough, but he's not
She is tall, willowy, and graceful, I always wanted to be
He is handsome, and smart, like I always knew he'd be
They are a pair, together, inseperable every day.
They are both so lonely, wishful, and busy,
always finding something to do
He is irritable, and confused, wondering.
Which way to go, to day adieu, or I do.
I'm scared. Will I be alone for the rest of my life?

The question...
Its just a question, fades into the background,
then all at once jumps hard and fast on my heart
Getting sick of guys wanting only that part
of me, as if there isn't a bit more to me.
Getting sick of guys wondering why, whats wrong with her
She's not with you? you? or you?
There must be something wrong with her,
I'm scared, Will I be alone for the rest of my life?

Chloe

Today I brought little Chloe in for a small while!

She doesn't fit inside my hand any more!

So big now! She doesn't cry as much either...

She is so sweet tho, even now she remembers us!

She started to cry, and I set my hand over her back,

she stopped crying immediately,

settled right down and relaxed! Awwww...

Lonely

Today has been so hard for me, I am not sure why, or what is going on.. just that huge lonely feeling, sitting in the living room with lots of ppl who love me, yet feeling so alone. Don't wanna feel alone any more! I hate that feeling! I really feel for others.. cuz how would it be without knowing I have Jesus there? How would it be without HAVING those family and friends around that I do have? Thank Jesus for the Love that He does give me thru others!

Challenge-week 6

Blah.... Didn't do so great this week! But, I am glad it was something!!! :D

Previous weight: 183.4 lbs

Current weight: 182.6 lbs

Elf

I LOVE smiling!!! Smilings my favorite!! :-D

Love and Prayers....

So many dreams of you, nearly every day lately... Why I wonder. Where are they all coming from? Maybe you are sad or lonely today? Maybe you need a friend. Maybe thats why. I don't understand it all.... Today for the first time I was able to tell someone who asked, that I wasn't in love with you any more, and I meant it. I love you. You will always be special to me, and I hope you will always be my friend, but I'm not in love with you any more. I'm ready to be loved in return. Ready to move on, and see what comes next. Love and Prayers, Me

Dear Friend...

Today I want to let you know how much you mean to me, to thank you for all the times you have been there for me, you have listened to, prayed for, cried, hoped, dreamed, laughed and loved with me. I'm sure I will never be able to tell you enough times to truly thank you for all the times you have called right when I needed someone to talk to, or the times you have stopped your work to be there when a catastrophe was happening in my life. The times the world looked too glum and gloomy, but somehow when you finished with me, the rays of sunshine had poked thru the clouds, then burst in to a full sunshiny day. The tears dried, you pulled and prodded till gladly laughter spilled out again. The goofy messages left on my answering machine that made my day brighter. The emails, and the notes. The flowers sent to my house when I was sick, down, had a birthday, or just because. The care and love you showed when it seemed no one else had time. The times we studied, chatted, encouraged each other, laughed, hugged, and cried, up until the wee hours of the night together, neither caring what time it was, or that we had to be up at 5:00am the next morning. Thank you dear friend. I love you so much, and may the Lord help me to be half the friend to you and others, as you have been to me.

Love

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all matters the most
Love is not rude
Love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside.
Love is the river that flows thru
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes when you don't
Love is the arms that are holding you.
Love never fails you.

When my heart won't make a sound
When it can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this, greater than this..
Cuz love is right here, love is alive
Love is the way the truth the life..
Love is the river that flows thru
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to..
Love never fails you.
Brenden Heath

Challenge- week 5!!!

Ya, I skipped a week... I figure Thanksgiving week never should count.. specially since I gained 5 pounds at least between the three meals we had that I had to work off in there. lol :-P. I lost about 2 1/2 pounds this week, and thanx to being sick for a few days :-S.. that wasn't fun at all.

Previous weight: 185.8

Current weight: 183.4

Polka-dots, and Stripes

This was my brother's girlfriend, Susan and I at Stephen's house friday night. I had been sick all week from the time I got off work on Wednesday, and was so excited to be out of the house. We all bundled up and went out into the crisp night for a walk down to my grandparents house. They were leaving the next morning for florida, and we wanted to say bye. Oh, and use thier ping pong, and pool tables too of course :-D. We played games in thier basement for a couple hours, then went back to my brother's house and watched movies for awhile. Fun times.

Chloe....

Chloe's little paw, on my hand

Chloe, sleeping in my hand once she started getting bigger

Chloe, soon after she started getting her strength back, in dad's hand

Chloe has been getting so much bigger! She is such a fighter, only half the size of the other puppies, but she pushes and shoves her way to her momma to eat many times a day, she seems to be thriving now, back out with her family. A couple of weeks ago, only a day after they were born, we found her cold, and nearly gone out in the dog pen, we got her warmed up and fed her every few hours, soon she was this tiny strong white mouse creature standing on her hind legs pushing against my hand pawing at the little tiny bottle as she nursed from it. By the time we put her out with her mommy her eyes were open, a gorgeous blue, and she was so ornery. One time I was gently pulling on her little ear commenting how it looked like a tiny piece of cut leather and she started her little squealing telling me she didn't like it. She made me laugh. I'm so thankful she made it alive, we have had three other puppies in this litter die, and we aren't sure why, so... Chloe is our miracle baby...

Ya...

Hi... I'm tired, and grumpy, and I have NO idea whats going on with my work schedule.. this is scary. All I know is they said I am to come in like normal on Saturday night.. lol. I am here, but I never found out what I am supposed to work tomorrow.... HELP!

I think I had an epiphany on Thanksgiving. You don't care. I'm not brilliant I know this... but ya. You didn't even tell a friend Happy Thanksgiving back. I get it. So ya.

LIVE

From here back to the entry titled Dreams of You are some things I had written, but not posted in the month of November, cuz I wasn't sure about posting them..... so they are out of order quite a bit.


Something has been happening. I can tell something is wrong, my stomach has been in a gut wrenching knot all day. God please give me ur peace, and protect and keep those I love, keep your angels around them dear Jesus??

Forgetting those things which are behind, and looking forward.... LIVE

Just Trust

Hi... its a lonely night.. I am so happy tonight.. lol, like this saying they put up on the computer wallpaper.. :) I'm happier than a bird with a french fry!!! :D lol. I love it. I still miss you tho!! HOW!! lol.. Oh well.... seems to be the story of my life, I think I will always care for you, even letting go. Saw this really cool guy from Bristol Indiana on a dating site, and it said we have alot in common... I think I'd date him! lol. If Punk lived closer than texas, I think I would date him if he wanted to get together... He's great. But likely.. none of these will happen. God has a story for me. I am living it out. I sometimes wish I could see the future, but on the other hand... I can hardly handle what is happening right now in my life, how would I handle the future too? I suppose I will keep trying my best to trust.. Just trust like that little girl in the meadow picking flowers, without a care in her mind... Trust Jesus.

Not Right

Why do you say you know I haven't missed you? HOW can you say that when we haven't talked in a very long time? You have no idea the things I have gone thru in this time, or how many times I've cried, or been happy. Please don't come back into my life telling me that we don't know eachother any more, but for some reason you do know how I've been without even asking me. Its just not right

Do you hate me?

Do you hate me? After all that we've done and the hurtful things I've said, you have never once told me even one hurtful thing. What it is that you dislike about me so much. What thing about me was it that made you say the second time you started to care that you didnt want me? I look at you, I think by now I should know you... alittle bit. I still don't know how you feel about me. Do you like me? alittle? Do you like to be with me? Do you detest me? Do you hate that I pray for you? The only things I know for sure is that sometimes you need your space, that you said you loved me, then you said you didnt, then you said that you didnt know about us, then you said we would never be together, but you still would fu** me. I hate to surmize this, but sometimes I wonder, is that the only reason we are friends still? If its not I wish I knew how you still care. Why you still care. If you still care. What are you thinking when we are talking or chatting?? I wish this idiot would forget about our friendship? or Thanks for being my friend...?? Hun... do you hate me? What goes on in that mind and heart of yours?

Even tho I hate you

I hate you... sometimes I really hate you. But the only reason I do, is because you said you don't want me. Do I really hate you because I love you? Cause I've wanted you so bad? I just don't know anymore.... cuz sometimes I still want you, even tho I hate you. Sometimes I still love you and know I'd to anything for you, even tho I hate you.

Dating...

I never really knew you. You never really knew me. We thought we knew each other, but we knew almost nothing. We never really dated, even though we talked so much. We never had opportunity to work together. To live situations together. No, I never really knew you. You never really knew me.

Phone Call

I called you tonight, I was waiting in my car for a friend to show up, I was bored. So I called you. The rain was falling on my car roof. You answered. I was alittle nervous. We talked. You made me laugh. Nervous dissappeared. The call was short. It was really nice. Thank you.

To Trust You more....

Why don't I pray more, trust more, spend more time talking with you, instead of talking about the problems of myself and others? Please help me not to be negative about myself, and others, but Lord help me to see and love others thru your eyes, with your love alone. Please put a watch over my lips that what I say pleases, and glorify's you Jesus. IJN

Someone to talk to...

Wandering from site to site, its a quiet night, just wish for someone to talk with. Someone who is not weird, but who loves the Lord as much as I do. Someone who I know won't make nasty comments, or try to talk dirty to me. Someone who won't tell me that my ministry is to the phillipino people, that I should marry them and move to the phillipines lol... Or tell me that I am naive becuz I wanna obey God's standards in the word....Is it too much to ask Lord?

Missing You

Its at the weirdest times that I am overwhelmed by missing you. Today I was sitting on the couch, talking with my mom and a friend about a christian woman's place in the home/church. Basically talking about 1 Cor 14, when suddenly this huge MISSING feeling came apon me, I looked out the window as thier conversation swirled around me, and remembered some conversations that you and I had about the same subject. I said a prayer for you hun, today we are in two different worlds... but I will always hope the best for you :) With all the Love of Christ. Me

Its Done

Its done, its over, ur gone, its done.
Now I see, now I know, that what you told me is true,
that you don't love me, and we'll really never be
I thought you might love me again one day, but no
I don't think it will happen now, I always thought it would
kill me to realize this ,but no, I'm still breathing
one breath at a time, I'm still living,
one day at a time, It doesnt kill me now
every time I think of you, It only hurts, only a bit
We weren't real, I don't wanna go back,
when I think of what we were. I'm content where I am
I'm content as your friend, I'm content to live
Where God has put me, I hope to be
only where He wants me.

Alone

I know you do miracles every day, I know you've sustained me to this point in my life Lord. I'm just SOOO lonely Lord... I've asked you for the miracle of true love since I was old enough to know what it was, yet I am almost 28, and obviously for some reason it eludes me. I've been feeling so alone God. Even tho I spent a few hours tonight with alot of ppl, I still am lonely. Please won't you work a miracle now? I don't wanna be alone any more Lord. So tired of being alone.

Don't Fool Yourself

Who are you kidding girl? You know you don't love him... don't mess with him, don't hurt him like that.... Its better to be alone than to hurt someone who has been a good friend!! Its better to be alone than to be hurt again. Don't fool yourself, you know you won't be able to handle a relationship with a man, you never have before.... besides.... why would any man truly want you??? All they've ever wanted you for is what you werent supposed to give...

Nerves

Hands are shaking, nerves are about shot from being yelled at almost continuously this morning by little 15 year old teenage girls. Thank you Lord for helping me to keep my patience.

Attitudes

Dear Jesus, please be my strength this morning, please let me be patient with the girls. Please repair broken relationships, and help us to trust eachother again. Please lay your hand apon this morning, and help it to run smoothly, please help the girls to have good attitudes. If they have any needs, help them to bring them to you, and please help me to see them, and to deal with them appropriately, IJN

Is it all about you?

Its SOO lonely without you here, so lonely not being able to write you, text you, talk with you. Makes my nights SOO long without you to chat with while I'm doing my work! Why does things have to be this way? I really believed you were the one for me, that God had saved me for. I know I made some mistakes, but am I really not good enough for you? Tho I desire you with all my heart, at times I know we will never be together, Now, after a year almost, how could I be with you? After you telling me almost constantly I'm not good enough, you want her, you don't want me. Even if you change your mind now, I won't believe you. I know you don't want me now, after the many many times you have asked for less of me, asked me to step aside for her, so you could have what you want with her.. No.. we will never be together that way again... not after you decided you don't even wanna be as close of "friends" if we can't be "friends with benefits"... no hun, doesnt seem like ur lookin out for me at all, even as a friend. Is it all about you? and what you want? Even still tho either way.. I miss you with all my heart.

Live again

I don't want to cry any more. I want to live again, I want to remember how to live. Every day I keep expecting things to go back to how they were before you broke my heart, sometimes I think I see things are better, then I fall again, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't wanna try any more. Its been so long, isn't there like a deadline that one hits that point and stops hurting inside? Just an automatic forget button in time?

I need a break

just wondering when maybe I will be able to take a few days to NOT CARE? Don't wanna feel sad any more, don't wanna miss you any more, just wanna let go, to not remember you any more. Please God can't I have a break from my feelings?

WHY???

Dreams of You

I dreamed about you today. I don't remember what happened in the dream, maybe some continuation of what was, or I hoped would be. I don't remember any one else in the dream. I only remember your face, you being close, light, laughter, and words being spoken softly. I remember waking and feeling loved, peaceful, as I drifted back to sleep. When I woke again that feeling stayed with me, but added with it was a deep sadness, a longing that cries within me. .WHY? I still don't understand why we couldn't be. I truly never did understand. Maybe I will sleep and dream of you again.

Just Tired

I'm tired.. I slept quite a bit today, but the weeks before I have been averaging about 4-5 hours a night. I don't know how long I can do this. Things are so crazy hectic, nothing is settled, from the fact that I changed places of work, new rules, new hours, less hours, to the fact that my whole family has all been hit hard, sick, with the exceptions of my mom, littlest brother, and myself so far. I wish I could be at home with my mom, who is exhausted, helping care for the sick fam, instead of at work dealing with an angry child who blames everyone but herself for the consequences of her actions.

:D

Happy as a bird with a french fry!!! :D

Challenge-week 4

Wow... I can't believe its week Four already!! I wish the weight was moving off alittle faster, but its been really hard the last couple weeks, just seems like I've been going out so much, and it doesnt look like its gonna get any easier!!! AAHH!!! lol.. but thankfully, its still coming off, very slowly, yes, but it is.

Previous weight: 187 lbs

Current wieght: 185.8 lbs

My goal is to somehow lose 2 lbs this week!!!

Special

Tonight was special. What made it special? Nothing really.... I woke up with a deep desire to be feminine, so I put on one of my two long skirts, with a cute top. I wore my hair with big curls, and halfway up, I got out my dottie socks, and put on some makeup. I wasn't sure what I was gonna do, for all i knew I might just stay home tonight! It is a beautiful night, rainy and chilly, the perfect kind of night for a book, and hot cocoa by the fireplace!!!!!

Random Eve

Today I woke up to a loud BANG!!! then my brothers truck dying out front of the house. I jumped out of bed, and ran down the stairs pulling on my clothes as I went, when I opened up the front door I yelled out, hey!! Everything ok?? He told me that his battery had died. I went back in, and slipped on my sisters crocs and my brothers stinky sweatshirt, grabbed my keys and went out to help him jump his truck. We got it going in no time, and b4 he could leave I asked him what he was up to tonight, he told me that he was gonna run to the Amish dented can store. I looked at him funny, he was very grimy, not having cleaned up after work, "Are you going like THAT??" He shrugged, "Sure, why not?" I laughed, "can I come?" "Sure." So I scrambled into the passenger seat, and we took off in his Jimmy. We got to the store just before they closed and Stephen took his time looking at all the food, chosing not to get alot of the things he normally would get because the prices had gone up nearly double what they had been the times b4 when he'd been there. We used to be able to get like 2 boxes of groceries for about $30, but today he got two boxes, for about $55, so sad :(.... On the way home the sky was soooo gorgeous, such a beautiful sunset!! I was very thankful to be home and get that stinky sweatshirt off tho lol...

Stiff and Sore

My brothers are in a volley ball league, but they also get together with some youth to practice quite often. The other night they got together at a nearby school to practice, so I went to play, and have a good time with some young ppl. When I got there I was the oldest Single person there, I felt kindof out of place, but I had a good time, especially once I got warmed up and was actually able to hit the ball.. lol. That night after I got to work I recieved a comment from my brother, you are gonna be so sore tomorrow!! I was like.. NAH... but as the night wore on, yep, all my muscles began to get stiff and sore. Went home and slept, when I woke up, ooohhh baby, yep, I'm sore!! Not as young as I used to be any more!!! What really makes me nervous is...... the other day my friend found a gray hair growing on my head!!! I'm getting old..... what did I do to deserve this?? I'm not even married or have any kids yet!!! Yikes!!

Week 3- it was something :D

Week three is over!!! wow.. I'm really tired.. lol. Did ok this week! lol... lost about 1 1/2 pounds this week!!!! YAY!!! Not Super exciting, but its something! lol.

Previous weight: 188.4

Current weight: 187

Struggles

taken the worst morning that I had this morning at work.....

This week at work has been a struggle, spiritually, and mentally, which... maybe the two go together?? The first night was a battle with spirits of fear, opened up by residents watching movies with occult in them. I came into work the other night to the whole house torn apart, every morning has been a literal battle to get the girls out of bed, to eat breakfast, and to get them out the door to school... with myself still in one piece, and the girls in one piece also. For some reason most of them have been bent on destroying staff, each other, and themselves all at the same time. I am grateful for the one resident that God had there to make me laugh, and stand by my side when another resident was threatening to kill me. On top of all that has been a major battle against depression this week.. why? I am not sure why, but I am getting so tired of it. It needs to end. The peace of God is to reign in this heart! No matter the circumstances of this life.

Need

Lord, today I need you, desperately

I see you in the quiet, cool moon above

In the stars that show your glory

I feel you in the crisp night breeze

The smell of autumn leaves

Lord, tonight I'm hungry for you

Please, let me be in your presence..

Tonight... Lord, please

Let me know You're near me

Week Two

Well.. week two is over!! lol.. and I am not too excited about it, I guess I will do my best to look on the bright side :)... I didnt gain any back :D. I am exactly the same as I was last week on Thursday.. soo thats good.. still total I lost 5 pds in two weeks.. not too bad!! It was a really hard week, because I had a birthday party, and ate out a couple times... :S. Now for next week!! :D I'll do better this time ...

Moons, Lice, and Spiders

AAAAHHHHH!!!! Lice epidemic!! :S.. I've never had lice b4!, here at work we have found lice on one of the girls...I hope and pray so much that I don't get any..... eeewwww.. and tonight I was standing in the hallway talking to one of the girls and all the sudden her eyes get like a MILE wide... lol and she stutters.. aahhh Miss Lemler.. there is a bug on you.. a HUGE bug.. I was like.. WHERE!! lol she goes.. its crawling up ur front! I looked down and one of the hugest spiders was on my chest crawling towards my shoulder.. I yelped so loud and flung that thing.. well.. I dunno where it is now.. but its not on me.... She wouldnt sleep in her room lol, because she thought the spider is in there.... I don't blame her.. I hate them. Whew! anyways.. lol it was an interesting start to the night! Then I was sitting with my sister talking about a project she was doing when I happened to look out the window and see the most GORGEOUS moon behind my house... I jumped up even b4 she was finished and was out the door with the camara lol... :) I love Him so much!! I always feel like he is saying he loves me too when he puts out a beautiful moon, or sunset, or day for me to enjoy.. :)

Challenge

I've been afraid to blog on a challenge I've set for myself.... Why?? Because I feel it makes me accountable to accomplish it. So.. here goes. My goal is to be the smallest adult size that I have ever been at by next summer, and to blog on my progress every week until I get there. The smallest I have ever been as an adult is a size 8, so this is going to be quite a challenge for me, as I am now a size 16. I began watching what I eat a week ago last thursday, at the week checkpoint I had lost 5 pounds, which it exciting, but then gained one back, a major disappointment to me. I keep reminding myself.. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me!

Green hands

Yes, my hands are stained GREEN!!! And it has NOTHING to do with Holloween, tho it happened on the 31st :). Today, I helped my brother tie-dye a couple t-shirts for himself, and our other brother, so much fun!! And sooo messy!!! lol! Lately I feel like I am going back to my second childhood! lol, been having so much fun. The other day, couple girlfriends and I jamming around the living room to Veggie Tales singin Oldies, walking in the rain, playing in the puddles, taking pictures of anything and everything just for the fun of it, playing in the leaves, tie dyeing tshirts, and my sis and I totally whopping my brothers at Kemps :D. Woo hoo!! I love being a CHILD of the King!! :D

Free to Love

Today.. a year ago, when I was 26, and I knew that something was changing in my life. At this time we were sitting in the lobby of the hotel, talking about dreams, and things that would come in life, did we agree on things, and our family histories, anything, and everything we felt like talking about. Life was exciting, I was seeing tomorrow thru different eyes. Little did I know that one of the hardest years of my life was about to start. All I knew.... was here, and now, I was being looked at with beautiful blue eyes that admired me, and seemed to care. I was wanted. At this time a year ago, a wonderful young man reached over and took my hand with questions in his eyes. I was so afraid, and so excited at the same time. I had never held a young man's hand before, in my life. A year ago tomorrow, I was told by a young man, for the first time in my life that I was loved. I had to stop, and take a deep breath.. did I dare answer back? I'd never before told a man that I loved him.. not in this way....To say that I love someone is making a commitment.. was I ready for that commitment? To say that you love someone is not only for today, and tomorrow.. it should be for the rest of your life..... What choice should I make? Should I wait? Tell him I wasnt ready? But I felt a certainty.. I knew.. this was the first man I've ever felt that I could live life with, we connected in a special way, what we had seemed so different than I had ever experienced with any other person. I felt comfortable, protected with this young man... never before had I had this with a man...Yes.... I decided.. I am ready, and I replied, "I love you too hun..."
Today, on my way to work I was remembering.. yes, I remember everything like it was yesterday, it seems no time has passed when I look back, I still remember the details of the room we were in, the way he looked at me, the ppl who came and went in the Lobby, and the clock that was on the wall across from us, its hands moving much too fast for my opinion, soon he would have to leave, and I didnt know when I would be able to see him again. I didnt want to leave... I felt I had waited 26 1/2 years for this moment. I'd never known what "Chemistry" meant until this evening. I thought I might never breath again, but I didnt care.
Sometimes I am tempted to feel so alone now, that things didn't work out between the two of us, and I don't see anything happening in the near future...but lately I have been realizing....
Today, now, I have a choice, that same choice I had a year ago.. to love.. or not to love. To surrender my heart every day to the most persistent and caring man I have ever met. Several times today I have whispered I love you to this man. A year ago I shed tears of Joy, someone loved me! I knew I loved someone, and that I was free to love now... Today I shed tears of Joy, I am loved, I do not doubt it as I lift my eyes, and look into the face of Jesus, raise my hands and dance for Him. I know that he really does love me, that he has taken care of me from the time I was a tiny child, until this very moment. That he will never leave me. I know I love this man, that if I never have the love of another, I will be content, for he fills my heart to overflowing with His love, and I am free to love.

Rainy Day

Its pouring rain outside!

The wind is howling, the trees are bending.

The clouds are blowing by.

The leaves smelling fresh, the puddles filling up

Ready for you and I

Lets join hands, go out and play!

Lets skip and frolic, jump, laugh and holler...

Who cares what they think...

Lets go get wet, and enjoy this rainy day!

Leaves!

Playing in the leaves this afternoon after school!! :D

Coffee Tree

Today I got out of bed early and went to my sister's oral report at school, she did really well, one of the few who were able to say thier report completely from memory. When it was over each visitor was given a tiny twix bar :D...

Hope

Sometimes as life goes by we get dragged down by the popular belief that its better to expect the worst, than hope for the best.. so that we don't get disappointed by circumstances or ppl in our lives. The other day a friend shared what God had been showing her in the love chapter in 1 Cor, and she read it aloud to myself and some other ladies. When she did that, a couple things stood out to me in what she read. Love always trusts...... and Love always hopes....

Brothers and Eggs...

We have about 12 Chickens and one rooster... my sister is the one that feeds them in the morning, and makes sure they get put into the little barn every evening. They know her, and they know her voice.. When they are in the yard they will follow her. My little brothers are the ones that look for the eggs every morning and evening. My dad has been trying to figure out how many eggs we get a day, and which chickens lay eggs consistently every day, becuz we have 4 different kinds of chickens. So for about the past three weeks he has been stopping at the little barn and checking and gathering them every couple hours to see how many we've got yet on his way to the house, and on his way out to the shop. The most we've ever gotten in one 24 hour period is 12... One per chicken. Well my dad went out to check them yesterday morning and was stumped to find that there were 16 eggs in the roosts!!!!! How in the world!! He came inside quickly and told my mom, I can't believe this! Some must have laid double yesterday!! My mom was like.. no way! I don't think sooooo..... Well.. come to find out, my one brother had snuck into the refridgerator the night before, and taken 4 eggs out, and put them in the chicken roosts to see what mom and dad would say when they had extra eggs in the morning.. lol What a punk!!

Secure

With you...
I am...
Secure...

No Better Place

When I hear your voice, my heart skips a beat
When you smile at me, I am complete.
When you take my hand, I am at peace.
I tremble, when I feel your touch...
When you hold me tight in your arms......
there's no better place.. to be.

Crisp

On the way home from meeting today I was reeling from exhaustion, but yet, somehow, I felt so refreshed I felt as tho I could have stayed up all day at the same time! I had my sunroof open, and was enjoying the sunshine and the crisp smell of the leaves immensely! Nah, I didnt get much sleep today, but I know He is my strength :). I love you Jesus!! These are a couple shots I stopped my car for :)

Beautiful Start

You.. make me wanna be... So beautiful...

Chocolate

I was on my way home this morning from work when I got to see this AWESOME sight!!! The picture doesnt even capture half of the glory!! :D Yaaaa!!! God's Chocolate is the best kind!! lol

Today... I danced

This week has been the best week I've had in forever..... Today.... I danced.... My sister came out of my bedroom, and looked at me as if I were from Mars... her words were "WHY are you dancing around your living room in your pajamas?????" I threw myself onto my couch, trying to catch my breath, and thought a moment b4 answering with this profoundly awesome answer...."becuz.... I feel like it".

:D

Tonight

I love cool summer nights!! Enjoyed Apple Festival tonight, the stars were awesome, went to see my lil brother play in the Guitar Hero competition.. wish I woulda had the gutz to play :D. Some cute little kid won!! lol... Listened to the Karaoke Contest after that, a couple sang Its is well, the arrangement off of Selah!! I loved it!! Made me cry... horrible place for tears to appear.. lol at the fair.... ppl everywhere. Walked around with the Fam, ended up getting one of those old fashioned Pics of myself and the little kids.. that was so much fun! Sis enjoyed dressing up in the beautiful dress and hat, and lil brothers loved posing with the big guns. Ended the night by sitting at my uncles concert, he sang mostly country.. a few old rock songs.. was fun.. lot of ppl up front dancing, and a couple in the back ballroom dancing!! THAT was SWEET!!!! I am so happy and content... God has been so amazing to me lately :). Me

I don't need you any more!!!

I have all
I will ever need
right here....
with me!!!

I love you Lord!!!

Be my everything
My heart cries out
I need you
desperately Lord!!!

Dad

My dad is doing much better, no fever now.. yet still needing his strength back.

Need you near

You felt so far far away

I begged I pleaded

Please come closer

Please let me feel you

Here with me


You were there with me

but I couldnt feel you

Thought you hated me

Thought you despised me

For walking away


I knew you'd forgiven me

Its a promise, and you don't lie

I thought maybe I just

needed more time

then I'd feel you close again


Yesterday i was longing for you

like the roses long for the rain

doing my best for you yet

feeling I still couldn't please you

Then you opened my eyes


I finally saw, finally realised

You aren't still mad at me...

All this time, I thought you were

All this time you were here

beside me, loving me.

I'm FREE

Facedown

Forgiveness

has been given

still I lay facedown

on the floor knowing

I deserve more

to suffer far more

I lay waiting for

the heavy hand

to punish tear me down

for what I've been

When all the while I've only been

FORGIVEN

Warfare

Today I woke up, it seemed the same as any other day, but from the moment I stepped out of my little apartment, it has been a spiritual battle! I went to my parents, my dad has been really sick with a fever of 103, sometimes 104. Bad.... not good... especially with it being over a week since it started. He had gone to the doctor, he said just let it run its course, its a virus.. tonight he was still sick. I pulled out all those old old, Christ for the Nation worship tapes, the ones that were made in 1980, 82, and 83, and put them on to play, it broke my heart as my dad was trying to sing along with them, even as he was suffering, but I knew.. remembering many times b4 when we had been sick as children, or when he used to get those migraine headaches really often... My mom would play them.. over and over and over.. and somehow... b4 dawn broke, fevers had dissapated, and headaches left, stomach flu's gone...I knew that he needed the strength, and that the praise would help him to stand strong... so I played them.. one after the other, until he was up, his eyes had cleared, and he was smiling, watching my lil sister and I singing "I will sing.. I will dance" and dance around the living room. I rubbed his back, until I thought my hands would fall off. I told my friends to please pray. He is going to be better... He cannot keep going with a fever like that much longer.

Before I even left for work tonight I was getting texts saying we have some girls talking about running, its gonna be a crzy night... so I started praying, rebuking the devil, confessing peace on this household... when I got here, every single girl was out, like a baby. No sign of runaways tonight. Praise Jesus!!

I have been struggling to get back to him... been feeling so far from him, but tonight, I have seen him faithful, and I am excited to find out tomorrow, how my dad is doing when I get home.. I am expecting great things!!!

Love....

I give up.. I really don't get love.... It is the thing that can pull you up to the highest heights on the worst day ever, but it is the thing that can make this day..... the worst day ever. Dear friends who have, recieve, and give love. Make this day lovely for the one who loves you!!! :D.

What in the...???

How do you do that? When the world seems like its gonna drown me, just one wink, you make my heart wanna fly, and the sparkle come back to my eyes...

An old letter...

I was living, learning, and growing, but something happened when you loved me. It was as if i had been sleeping before, and when you started loving me, I woke up. I started noticing things more. I was able to love others easier, life began to mean more. I could laugh again like I had when I was a child. My world wasnt just my world any more, but a place where I thrived, and flourished, cuz of you.
Then you went away.
You took my heart away with you. I don't know if I'll ever have one again. I just cry. The tears, they rain down, even on a sunny day. Cuz even tho the sun is shining, I miss you. I wish you were here, sharing it with me. I feel dead again. Like the dead leaves at the end of winter, only now, its worse than before, cuz before i'd never awoken. I didn't know what it meant to love. Now I can remember, and I look back with longing on the times when I coud love you, and you loved me.
Now I sleep all the time, and if I'm not sleeping I wish I was sleeping. when I wake up, sometimes I think I need my friends, something, anything to help cheer me up, but it makes me more sad still, cuz every one has thier loves, thier babies, thier sweet little families. They are alive. I am just me. Here. Trying not to be sad, don't want them to be sad for me, but they know.... I don't laugh, I try to, its sounds so fake to me. I don't chatter on and on, and join in the fun like before. I try to... Its just not the same, cuz my heart is gone. Its there, with you. Where you hold it in your hands. I try to take it back, to pull it back, say you can't have this any more, but even then, it starts to break even more, and I stop. Bewildered, hurting, and just walk away. I don't want it back either. I want you to have it. I want you to love it. What can I say? What can I do? Without my heart? Yours Always

Free

FREE!!!

to fly again!!!!


If the son has set you free,

you shall be free indeed!!

Staying awake on thirds

Walking around the office, working away, I glance over every few minutes hoping to see, the bright orange of the yahoo box, saying someone is talkin to me, or the little red flag go up on facebook, someone is thinking of me!! :D I love chatting, and I thank the Lord every night when there is ppl online to help me stay awake in the wee hours of the morning!!

I give up....

Encouragement

Is. 43:1-3a

But now this says the lord who created you o jacob, and he who formed you o israel

fear not for i have redeemed you

i have called you by YOUR name

YOU are MINE

when you pass through the waters

I will be with you

and through the rivers,

they shall not overflow you

when you walk through the fire

you shall not be burned

nor shall the flame scorch you

for I am the Lord your God

The Holy one of Israel,

your Savior

Desires

Lord, I'm sorry for not being content, for not just waiting for you to move. Now there has arisen just so many things that my heart desires, and selfishly I see my life is passing, not knowing your timing I become scared that you might move too late. Lord, I know that right now all I must want is you. I thought I was doing so well, I have been so happy, active, just sparkling in my life, then I made one choice, ignored your voice once.... and here I am again, close to the bottom, I feel so weak Lord, I need your hand to reach down for mine, please pull me back out of this place, and let me fly again? I feel I can't even reach up to you, my hands are too heavy right now Lord. I hear your voice calling me near to you, but my eyes are downcast. Lord, I'm sorry, I didn't know why you were telling me not to go... I knew I heard it, but I kept thinking.. WHY in the world would I not be able to go??? My intentions weren't in the wrong place. Until I came home, and I realized, I have just ruined any chances I had for my dreams to come true. Please forgive me Lord, for not listening to you? Please Lord be patient with me, teach me again the lesson I haven't yet learned... IJN Amen

Alexandria

Here at Ana's!! I love it, the quaint little shops, sweet old buildings and friendly people. All the homeless ppl playing thier music on the shore front really makes for the flavor of the community here! Sittin on the dock by the Potomac watching the "fish" float by, and trying to snap pictures of the lights across the water at night without the tripod. Eating ice cream on the way to the waterfront from the little ice cream parlor at midnight on the cobblestone streets over grown with green stuff. Having a wedge salad, playing music, chatting on facebook, doing a crazy fun work out video with Ana, reading Pickled, talking bout the Lord, and life, in Ana's cute little apartment, and doing laundry in the dark dungeon down underneath with the old christmas tree ornaments...:).....

I need to laugh again

Won't someone please...

Just make me laugh???

Make the world ok...

Giggle with me???

Beautiful

I am beautiful....

Nope, I'm not a supermodel,
I do have stretch marks,
some acne,
and I'm not a size two...
But when He made me...
He made me beautiful
The beauty of a woman

When I laugh, its not just a laugh
sometimes its a giggle
When I'm embarrassed,
my cheeks turn pink
When I see a spider..
Sometimes you'll hear a shriek
The beauty of a woman

When the whole world is caving in
sometimes I just want
someone to hold me...
When I'm having a bad day...
Just wish someone would
make me smile....
When someone needs me
I'll always do my best to be there...
The beauty of a woman

God said, its not good
for man to be alone....
So he made a woman,
with all of her quirks
yet...
Beautiful.....
The beauty of a woman

I am beautiful

Summer Afternoons

The sound of giggles and splashes nudge me gently out of sound sleep.... I lay there a second.. open one eye slowly wondering what time it is... never far away, is my cell phone, the display on the front reads 1:45 pm.. I need more sleep..... but the longer I lay there the more I can't stay there... I jump out of bed, slip on my flipflops, and shuffle to the window where the sweet summer breeze flutters the curtains, and the maple leaves outside the kitchen window. I laugh softly at the sight below me... the breeze, the clear blue sky, the smell of warm sunshine tantalize my senses, the sight of the clothes flapping in the wind, and the laughter of children teasing each other in the pool beckons, its too much, the swimmin suit is goin on, this girls not gonna sleep any longer, she's gonna LIVE!!!

Doubt

WHY DO YOU DOUBT???

Why do you doubt me my daughter??
What I have done b4,
I still hold the power to do again
Haven't I always come to your rescue??

~ God

Clouds

Was just laying looking up at the few clouds that there are in the sky, closed my eyes for a couple seconds in prayer, when I opened them the clouds I had been watching had nearly disappeared in the sun. Like our problems in the light of His presence....

Wait

Waiting
Breath Short
Fingers icy
Stomach churning

Mind running
Too fast
This way
That way

Nervous
Heart Pounding
When Lord?
What now Lord???

I know
I'm where
You want me to be
Where you put me.

But whats next Lord??

June 27

The family is watching a sad boring movie... :(..... Talk about melancholy... I think I am going to go take a nap so I will be awake at work tonight!! I finished my 30 faces in 30 days!!! YAHOO!!!! So exciting! Now I have a week off!! That is wonderful to me..... ahhhhhhh.... Maybe I can spend some time in the poooooolllll ha ha. About time to get some sun, since the summer is already half gone!! lol I am going to VIRGINIA in about a month and a half!! I can't wait. I get to see Ana, and some new scenery!! Maybe meet a new friend!! I'm so excited! Lord please work it out, and open the doors if its YOUR will for me to be over there!!!

Falling

Teetering, on the edge
Knowing with one breath,
That'll be the end.

Don't wanna fall,
might fall up
might fall down

Scared to fall,
Falling up will you hold me?
falling down, will you catch me?

Can I stand in the balance?
Will you help me not to waver?
Till all You fulfill??

Keep me

Wow... never thought I'd be HERE... TODAY.... Keep workin in me Lord!! Keep me close to you, never let me stray, no matter what it takes Lord.

Tamale!!!

Cook it
Mix it
Cut it
Blend it

Smack it
Hit it
Squash it
Move it

Fill it
Meat it
Mole it
Fold it

Wrap it
Tie it
Lay it
Do it again!

Over 500 times!!!

I'm not the girl I was b4

I'm not the girl I was b4.
You coming out of the shadows
Kind and caring,
abrupt, and short
what once was yours
won't break now

I'm not the girl I was b4
You think I'm the same
You think I've not changed
There is only one reason
I am still here
Only one reason,
I am not living in fear

I'm not the girl I was b4.
I don't want to be here
Just wanna move on
I don't know why
The Holy Spirit keeps askin
Prompting me to keep on
Nudging me, gently pushing....pray

I'm not the girl I was b4
run only by emotions and fears
scared to lose the one thing
I held the most dear
the one thing
that broke
me.

I'm not the girl I was b4.
He took that vessel broken
Glued it back with His love
Made it again with His grace
Its more beautiful now
best of all, there's strenth
to the beauty.

I'm not the girl I was b4
I'm praying for you each day
Not hoping for what was or can be
Not wishing for you now
I'm just being obedient
Being what I should have been
I'm not the girl I was B4

Tired

I'm so so so tired.
I can't keep my eyes open.
I don't want to do this any more.
I just want to sleep.
To drown in the soft cool fluffiness
of my own sweet bed
Just to stay there in oblivion
until there's no tiredness left
till I don't wanna sleep no more!!!

Alone

How is it possible to be so surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones, yet still feel the most alone that you've ever been?? Gotta get outa this rut, outa this mind set. Don't wanna feel alone the rest of my life!!!! Not only is it killin me, its hurtin the ones I love, cuz they feel they aren't enough. Why?? Cuz they aren't. No one can be, besides HIM. Help me please Lord???

Training finale

YAY!!! I made it thru training!! So excited. I loved the moment when my trainer looked at me, closed his book and said, Sarah... you are now... TCI certified.... what a feeling of accomplishment!! With God's help, I did well, in spite of severe sleep loss.! I managed to get an A on the book part, and 100% on the physical! As I left that church in Leesburg I almost cried, knowing that I would prolly not see those young ppl that i had spent the last four days with much any more. :(

SLEEP

SLEEEEPPPPP!!! lol, I got about six hours of it tonight after two days with about 4 hours!! AHHH thank God, it felt sooooo good. Thanks so much to one of my co-workers who was kind enough to pick up half of my shift tonight, other wise I would be so out. There is still a long stretch to go today without sleep, but I feel like I can handle it now with God's help of course. :D. Well, I better run, only got half a shift now to do all the work!! fun fun.

People are often unreasonable, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind ppl may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, ppl may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, ppl may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, its between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.
~Mother Theresa~

Training

Training is going great!! I am going on three hours of sleep :D, and still doing ok. We will see tho tomorrow at five pm. Today at training, we did this realllllllyyyyyy uncomfortable excersize where they had us paired with the opposite person height wise, I was the second to shortest, so I was paired with of course, the second to tallest guy in the room, and also one of the handsomest. In this excersize we had to stare for thirty second increments into eachothers eyes. WOW the power that eye contact has!!!!! It was torture, and we had to do it four different times. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest I was so nervous. Needless to say, I will never forget the color of this guys eyes or the laugh lines around his eyes when he smiles!!! lol.

They talked about communicating authority, and intimidation with height level, and body stance, what you are telling someone with body distance. Very interesting stuff. Then they also mentioned that just maintaining that eye contact for long periods of time can create feelings of romance or intimacy. Try it!!! preferably with your significant other!!! lol.

wHy Is It?

Why is it that
sometimes we tend to
hold on to the ppl that
have hurt us
the most???

Whats up

My life has been SO busy!!! I am enjoying it immensely. When I was little I thought I knew what my life would be at this age. I laugh heartily at the memory. What I am now is far far different than who i thought I would be. Life is going faster and faster, I wish I could stop it, and enjoy more this time!!!! I miss my family, I see them rarely, I love all my new friends, they are all gifts to me, straight from heaven, as well as the friends that I've had for years. I thank my God for each one!! This week I have training for my job, I am looking forward to it! At the same time dreading it!! LOL, will be working my reg hours, and going to training 8 hours during the day!!! WHEW!!! that will be fun.

Meet me

Meet me here, in this place
meet me here, in this stillness
Fulfill all my desires
My heart is open before you
Fix what needs mended
sooth the painful parts
You alone are my healer
take my heart in your hands Lord
Burn away the filth Lord
Turn my eyes apon you alone
cause my heart to be a refreshing oasis
walk daily on the paths of my heart
fill me with the joys of your salvation
and only let me be a joy to you precious Jesus

thankyou

The night is nearly over-- thankyou
My heart is at peace with you--thankyou
My family is well--thankyou
I have the best friends--thankyou
Tho I wonder, you have things in your hands--thankyou
The radio plays encouraging fun music--thankyou
I am loved--thankyou

Time

The stillness grips my soul with a new clarity. The days fly by, quicker than ever, I feel myself growing away from you, I keep reaching out, hanging on with the tips of my fingers, longing for the shelter of your presence. I have run so rapidly into the arms of busyness, seeking a place to hide from this broken heart that you allowed. Help me find you God. I want you God. I need you

Little World

I'm here again in this little world. This little world in the big white house. The big white house that all the girls hate to be in, but here they find freedom in the rules. Funny how that works. By teaching discipline and guidelines, we are releasing them, giving them the power to fly to where their dreams take them, one by one. One day each of them will look back and be thankful for this little world that they were a part of. This little world of sleeping souls, each one silent, sweet, and occasional mutter, or movement. The only life is myself, doing what needs to be done to protect and prepare for the coming day. Its lonely here at night. The thought sometimes crosses my mind to wake one of them to keep me company, then I think of the other women that must deal with crankiness tomorrow, nah, I will leave them sleep. To be refreshed, so when morning comes and they all grab thier bags and head off to school, they will be able to face the day rested. Lord bless this little world please. Please let your peace reign here, tonight, tomorrow, and the days to come. IJN

Ponderings at 3 a.m.

Blessed be your name playin on pulse... The clock is ticking above my head, telling me that I'm not done with my work yet... And it'll be time to wake the girls for school in two hours.
I'm tired, but I am not tired, I'm starting to wonder where the world goes after two o clock in the morning, was it normal for me to sleep at that time of night too?? lol... Any more I almost can't sleep at that time! The other night I got home about three in the morning from a friends house!!! Then i saw my scrapbooking stuff out, and thought, hey, I can do one page real quick, I'm not that tired yet..... hee hee I finished the whole scrapbook, and found myself going to sleep at the same time my mom woke up and came out into the garage about six o clock to work out...... :). I want to go to church again. I miss it. I was just gettin back in to the habit, when I started this job. I'm so worn out on Sundays, working the 12 hour shift... Lord please help me out here??? I know this job was from you.....

Coyote!!!!

I was doing inventory at three o clock this morning, when Gigi came running out of her room saying "Miss Lemler!! Miss Lemler! Hurry! Come here! I just saw a coyote! A white one by your car!!" She pulled me into her room to look out her window, then when it wasn't there any more, I went back to work. A second later she comes running out again. "Miss Lemler! Miss Lemler!! I saw it again! Its running this way!" She ran across the house, jumping onto the couch and pulling open the curtains. She pointed, "See! There is goes! Its really hard to see it!" I was laughing and looking as hard as I could, I didn't see it. LOL. But it was so fun anyway. :-).

At Breakfast she was telling Rayz and Cielo about seeing the coyote, she and Rayz were sitting with thier backs to the big window-thier normal places. The curtains were open. Osita started making this wierd noise from the other room, causing even me to do a double take. Rayz jumped up so fast eyeing the window, "I'm not sitting by the window!!!" When she figured out that it was Osita making the noise, she uneasily took her seat again, and soon all three were chatting about things outside the windows again...

I had to leave the Dining Room for a sec, when Kitty pulled me aside and asked if she could go outside . I thought a minute, and when she told me what she wanted to do I couldn't resist. I let her. I went back to the Dining Room and stood opposite the window, joining into the conversation, laughing at Cielo's stories, and Gigi's antics. All the sudden there was a loud banging at the window, and a roar from outside. I've never seen Cielo, Gigi, Rayz, or Ember move so fast, or heard any one scream so high and loud as they did!!! They all jumped to thier feet in alarm, Rayz and Gigi nearly jumping over the table to get away from the window, thier eyes as big as saucers... I was trying so hard not to laugh, but when Tigger came in from the kitchen cracking up-she'd been in cahoots with Kitty- I couldnt hold it. Soon Cielo was doubled over laughing and then the other three were too. Some of us laughing till tears were in our eyes.

On top of this, One of the other staff called to let us know there was a two hour delay, so more cheers and laughter!!! :D. For my first morning alone, I think it went pretty well. Thank you Lord!!!

New Job

Eyes heavy, legs ache, Gotta knot in my shoulder, that won't go away no matter how I move. I forgot what it means to work a full time job, can't give in to the sweet sleep that seduces every moment after two am.

I love the girls, all of them, the mad ones, sweet ones, grumpy ones, annoying ones, and funny ones. The Irony that God has really cracks me up. I always said I wanted a bunch of boys... The other day the Director looked at me and said.. YOU are these girl's parents..... never dreamed I would end up with 10 girls. All to direct and guide, to care for, and cry over. God help me be worthy of the responsibility and priviledge.

Reaching

He sees me, Intrigued, wondering, he reaches to me, I give alittle, I reach alittle, he pulls back, its empty, no its not what he wanted. I see him, intrigued, wondering, I reach out, will he answer? He answers, reaching out, yet another one, he gives alittle, I pull back, nothing there, no, its not what I wanted. We see each other, Intrigued, wondering, we reach out, we give alittle, we pull back, its empty, no its not what we wanted....They all become friends, we all lose touch, except a few of them, think I am worth keeping around, for a good conversation every now and then.

When?

Just want someone to love... who loves me in return, who won't leave me. Is that so much to ask? I spend time with Jesus, my heart still aches. There is a huge hole gaping where Bret used to be. When do I get a turn to be loved? When?? When is it my turn to have someone to hold my hand, to hold me? Someone that I can be crazy about, and be happy with? When?

Wind

I am here
I need your spirit
May your wind blow strong
pull off the bitterness and sting
of being rejected
Fill me afresh with your life
and your presence
Let your love flow thru me
fill me up with you

Whats been happenin?

I am home alone this morning. I know God gives this peace that passes all understanding! Well, we all know He has promised to give it, but knowing you have it.. is a wonderful feeling! lol. I'm doing well. I am supposed to go in soon to have an interview for a job, one that I have thought for awhile that I would like to do. I don't know if I will get it or not, but I do know that God has something for me! :). I went thru a time where I thought for sure I am supposed to be in Virginia with my friend, but turns out she didn't need me to move out there. Maybe one day soon, or not so soon I will move out there. Its one of those things where I'm kindof feeling that God would bless me either way. He has maybe opened up somewhere over there that I could stay where I would trust the ppl I'm living with, and they would be helping me out if I need it. At the same time I am feeling that it might just be better to finish paying off debts b4 making a big move like that. I am so close... oooohhhh so close to paying off all my credit cards, I cannot WAIT till its done! lol. I know that "Rocking Chair" income... as my grandma calls unnemployment... will not last forever!! :) God has been showing me little by little what He wants in my life, and He has been teaching me PATIENCE!! ME!! learning PATIENCE! lol. I know its something that I will keep learning all my life, but I feel that with his help I have been taking strides in this area! Thank you Lord! Well, Today is the big SUPER BOWL!!! I am not too huge on either of the teams, so I am not as excited as I should be I guess, but I think I'm gonna celebrate with my fam today. Can't wait to see who wins!!!! :) Nuff for now! Maybe I'll go make some cookies... Sarah Leigh

Strengthen me to Stand against the Enemy!

I was reading in The Power of a Praying Woman about spiritual warfare. I want to put this on here, cuz it seems that this happens to so many women especially.

The Devil will attempt to make you believe you deserve every bad thing that happens to you. But deserving is not the issue with God. We didn't deserve to have Jesus die for us. Yet He did. The point is not whether we deserve the things the devil throws our way. The point is Jesus died so we don't have to experience them.

There is so much more to this!!! But this really stuck out to me. If you haven't read this or one of the Power of Prayer books.... Please do it!! It has helped me tremendously!!!

Just Remnants, but Stronger!!!

Its done. He's gone. I don't think he's ever coming back. Its almost as if he never was. Only memories remain, only good memories, that make me smile still! There is a few scraps of Boston Red Sox material stuffed into a plastic bag, with the New England Patriots remnants. Its alittle like my heart. Its so hard sometimes, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I am happy. He came, I loved, he left, He's gone. For now or forever?? Only God knows! This I don't have to worry about any more. My heart will never be the same, but God has all the pieces. He knows how to, and he is putting it back together, stronger this time. The Lord loves me, He's taking care of me. He has held me together when I was sure I would break. Today the Storm has passed, and I will cling to The One who will always be there, has promised never to leave me, and I know he never will.

The future? I'm not sure. God only knows whether I will be allowed to freely love this man again, or another some day. Either way I will trust, I will rest in Him, in His strong loving arms. I will let Him be THE ONE who loves on me. I don't want to hope for another besides Him, cuz He is truly enough for me. He loves me, just like I am. He comes to me when I call. He holds me when I cry. He walks beside me delighting in me when I'm happy. He laughs at me when I'm teasing my family. He listens and loves me when I share my deepest hurts and secrets. He never forgets about me when He's doing other things. He gives me sweet surprises and gifts throughout the day, so I know He loves me. He lets me yell and vent my feelings then holds me as I cry myself to sleep. He doesn't get angry when I do this, but stays near until I am ready to listen to what He has to say to me. He always straightens out my messes. He fills my heart to overflowing with His joy. He even stays close, and makes me feel better when I'm sicker than a dog! and.... He always holds my hand just because.... Thank you Lord for being there for me, being my everything. I love you!