Can't take it any more

I can't take this any more!!! Please get out of my head!! Please just love me or let me be???I think I am going insane with loneliness. I think about you way too much, and I know its only because what we were was amazing at one time... because I don't even want to be with you any more.

Its so hard when you know someone cares about you, but he has told you that we probably could never be together, and his reasons were true, and are true still, but yet all it would take is a word and we could be together. I just want to love, and be loved. Why does it have to be so hard, so complicated? Dear Lord, what have I done that I deserve to be alone so many years of my life? When others have been as sinful as I have, yet have someone to love? Why is it me that you choose to cry myself to sleep each night, why did you choose me whose heart aches every evening because I know nothing has changed, and nothing is likely to? Why do you tell me you love me, yet your obvious will is for me to be lonely? Alone one more day, week, year?? Am I that incapable of loving a man?

Maybe you wanted me to learn lessons, ok, I have, and am.... yet still nothing changes. I will never be good enough if I am not already. Life passes me by, and again I am watching the sun set with only empty space by my side. No companion, no one to come home to, no one to be home for, no one to talk to, no one just to be with.

I watch my friends with thier babies and children, I look at my clock, yes I know how old I am. People make comments, Your mom and dad want grandchildren... I see that look in thier eyes, the questions.. why aren't you with someone yet. I DON"T KNOW ok? You think I don't long for my own child? I went to see two brand new babies this week, I think it was a mistake. I only long that much more for my own... but I know... as long as I am in God's will, it will be a long while before I have my own, if ever. Sorry mom and dad. I'm a failure in relationships. I'd better just face it.